22 September 2003 - 12:47 a.m.

This whole "busy" thing is really not working for me. I'm so full of angst and stress and crankiness right now, I don't want to be around me. I can't even imagine how other people must feel.

Grad school is making me panicky. I hate feeling old and lost. I know a lot of this is just that I'm really busy and stressed out and since I'm trying to ignore how much (and sometimes how unreasonably) the little things are bothering me, I let the big things creep up and attack. Grad school is scary for a number of reasons, not the least of which are "will anywhere let me in" and "where the hell am I going to find the money to PAY for that?"

On another note - None of the rest of you are allowed to tell me you're getting married (or ask me any questions about when I might be getting married). This whole "everyone getting engaged, married, or asking Melissa when she's getting married (which is the least understandable of any of these - the answer being NOT ANY TIME IN THE VISIBLE FUTURE. AT ALL)" thing is really wearing on my nerves.

I feel like I've been pretending that i have everything under control and that I know exactly what I'm doing. I don't. At all. I don't even have control of my own life right now ... all of this craziness keeps floating in and out. How am I supposed to have control of my house? Of Making Music? Of my homework? Of my practicing? Of my projects at OOCS? Of my relationships? I wish that things were required to make since once in a while. I like craziness and randomness and surprises as much as the next guy (okay, maybe slightly less ... but I'm not SERIOUSLY opposed to it) .... but honestly, would it KILL the world to make a little since right now?

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