25 January 2003 - 10:36 p.m.

This has been a weird day ... a weird week for that matter. More on that later, maybe.

Rachael is on court for Showboat! I am so so happy. I really wish I could have been at the pageant. She had my old number. I called her cell and got to talk to her and Jaclyn and Trav and Eric and Rich and Aaron Joyce ... it made me really homesick. I'm bailing out on this party I got invited to because I really miss that part of my life.

99.9% of the time, I'm so extraordinarily happy here ... and while I miss people at home, I love the people here too. Then something bizarre will happen, like I will talk to all of them as they pass the phone around ... and it's like I only exist in that little slice of time to them. And I'm the only one who's Not There. It's very clear and very obvious and I answer the same questions about school and Boston to 12 different people ... and feel very distant. And it's times like that when I want to just fly home and wrap up in my old life like a security blanket. Not for good, but for a while and just have home and all that it embodies ...

I'm not being terribly eloquent ... which I hate. I just don't like feeling left out of my past. It's this dumb part of me that wants to be two places at once with two different lives and being two different people.

I guess there's always kind of that tear between old me and new me ... Melissa who was President of NHS, super-involved in everything, and Chesaning Showboat Queen vs. Melissa who is a real live city person.

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I started this last night and never finished .... Ali and Ben saved me. I spent the night at Alison's last night and feel much happier this morning ... I'm sure I'll return to my neurotic state from last night soon enough.

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