13 October 2002 - 11:47 a.m.

Sometimes, I think I'm the weirdest person I know.

In general, I don't deal with things well. Everyone who knows me knows I cry a lot. Really a lot. I'm angsty and whiny, and my passion for life and the things I love can change to anger and frustration in split seconds. I've been waiting for this Big Scary Thing to happen for a while now ... I thought it would be apocalyptic, tearing my life down around my feet and then leaving me alone to try to piece together the mis-matched sets of things that make up my life.

But it happened.

And I've dealt with it marvelously well.

For a while I thought I was in the comfy state of numbness our body and mind provide for us when they think we should be in shock because we can't deal with all of the real emotions we should be feeling. Now, I don't think that is so much the case. Yesterday, I was just hoping for something to come as comfort for me. And I opened my little eyes and realized that I had all of these marvelous little things that showed me how okay I was.

Stupid little meaningless things started to pop up ... a piece of paper painte in clear nail polish with hearts and sparkly things in it, the blue ring that goes around milk jugs bent into a heart, a line in a book that made me cry just knowing that I wasn't the ONLY one crazy enough to say stuff like that, friends who make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, chinese food and cinnastix, rain exactly when I'm inside and want to mope and be cranky ... and dryness when I need to be outside.

My sadness came ... and went. It'll probably be back again, but not nearly so strong or so scary. My heart now hurts for the situation and not for ME, in a marvelous display of self-pity ... and even that hurt isn't crippling.

So, I'm going to church now feeling healthy, thankful, and happy ...

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