15 September 2002 - 11:48 p.m.

There are times when I do not know how anyone in the world can believe that God does not exist. I feel like I have concrete proof ... or as concrete as it comes. I promise this is not SUCH a religious entry, if that deters anyone from reading this.

When I'd get up late for my 8 o'clock last year and be running down Commonwealth Avenue, I would near CAS and a Crystal bus would pull up to deliver me safe (and on time) to CFA so I could attend sight singing (yay). Last year right before Easter, I was broke. I had volunteered to buy an Easter basket for an underprivileged kid ... and as I was walking to Christinia's to buy the basket, I found on her stoop a $20 bill.

Today, I received further proof. God spent the whole day yelling at me. This is because I am stubborn and, on occasion, pretty dumb. As a short back story, for those who do not know, I have been particularly stubborn and awful on a terrible amount of occasions to one person. I've really messed up. Anyhow ... I finally apologized this morning. A good, for me at least, apology. I did not say, "I'm sorry ... that you did this" or "I'm sorry ... that you feel like I did something wrong" or anything like that. I said, "I'm sorry I messed up. It is my fault. I'm sorry." Yay for me giving a real apology for once. Anyhow ... I was feeling much better about myself ... and then I went to church. Today's Gospel and the first reading (which I read) were about forgiveness. When I read that, I looked up at the sky and said, "okay okay ... I get it ... I need to forgive in order to be forgiven." Then I read my reading ... God was trying to bang me over the head with a frying pan to get my attention saying "Melissa! ARE YOU GETTING THIS? BE A GOOD PERSON. FORGIVE. YOU'LL BE FORGIVEN." Then, I listened to the Gospel which was actually a scene I was in from Godspell ... it's the servant and "pay me what you owe me scene." Again, God was at it with the frying pan. I wanted to scream and say "I know! I promise to try harder!" As if this wasn't enough, the homily discussed purposefully misinterpreting things (something of which I am guilty) and purposefully hurting someone ... finding the thing that would hurt them a lot, and using it (I have never been a fan of this ... but have resorted to it in recent days. I hate it. It makes me feel terrible). So one more big hit with the frying pan.

I was seriously close to tears at Mass ... during my reading, the Gospel and the homily. 'Twas not because I was terribly sad, terribly PMS, or terribly upset in any way. I just felt really guilty ... I wanted to be forgiven more than anything. Ever. And because I knew that that's the thing I need to try to do more than anything. Not just in this situation ... but in every situation. To forgive ... and to ask for forgiveness.

Anyhow, as if I didn't get it already, I went home, tore the page off my 5 Things to Be Happy About Page-A-Day Calendar, and what did I find? The fourth thing to be happy about: "apologies accepted." (God's Subtext -- I'm putting away the frying pan now. I won't use it again unless I need to ... but lest you forget ... one more time ... BAM!!! (I am again smacked with the frying pan ... left clutching at my head saying, "I get it. I'm trying. I've not even had a chance to TRY yet. Geez.")

So, maybe these are coincidences. Maybe. I think it's God. Regardless, they make me think ... they make me regret ... they're teaching me how to forgive, to learn from my mistakes, to ask for forgiveness and let myself be forgiven ... whatever this bizarre set of occurrences is s'posed to mean, it's made my day better.

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