26 November 2001 - 10:16 p.m.

If you are reading this diary, do not tell me please. It makes me very very self-concious. Yes, Deuce and Chris, this is your fault. If you wouldn't have told me you read this, I would have continued posting my obnoxious girly-angst and rants about boys, etc. Now I feel as though I must not only be entertaining, because someone is wasting their time reading this, but also as though I must try to at least seem to be an interesting stable person. This is difficult for me. Normally, I welcome feedback from people about my crazy imaginary issues ... now I just feel sort of silly.

Anyhow, I know I said in the previous paragraph that I would NOT post girly-angst or rants about boys ... I was lying. So, Katie talked me into joining this pact that she and her friend made to tell certain males that they are the objects of our (slight) affections before Christmas. :::sigh::: This is scary and not a fun thing.

On a happier note, I am going to see The Nutcracker next Wednesday night. It has been AGES since I have been to the ballet. PLUS, The Nutcracker is SUPER cool because seeing it when I was six was what made me fall in love with classical music ... and in turn decide to play piano. Unfortunately, my parents would not buy me a piano (little did they know that they would not only be buying me a piano 3 years later, but also a ridiculously expensive violin 13 years later). So, I got the World's Cutest Violin. It was such a tiny tiny little baby sized violin. I look at 1/16th size violins now and think "I was NOT that small ever in my life." It's ridiculous how something as silly as a field trip to Saginaw to watch The Nutcracker literally changed my life forever. I can't even imagine what would have happened if I hadn't gone. I would have never taken violin, erasing all the friendships I made from Owosso Suzuki Strings, Blue Lake Suzuki Camp, Blue Lake regular camp, Interlochen, Killington, Soesterberg, Michigan Youth Orchestra, YPSO, Alma Symphony, and Alma Pre-College Orchestra. I wouldn't have met any of my violin teachers. I probably wouldn't have played piano or joined band when I was in 6th grade. I would not have taken voice lessons. I wouldn't have had the same friends ... I probably wouldn't even be at BU right now. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic. Maybe I would have still found my way to violin and to music. I can't imagine not playing violin. Thinking of never being able to play again is the scariest thing in the world to me (next to thinking of being alone for the rest of my life ... ). I can't imagine who I would be without it ... how I would have even survived. It's funny how a little wooden box with strings can be a salvation. I remember being homesick in Vermont ... the only time I wasn't was when I was playing. I remember feeling really scared and alone when I was 12 (and when I was 13, 14, 15, etc.) and thinking no one could ever ever love me ... and the only thing that made it better was playing. I like so much stuff, but the only thing I've ever really loved was my violin. So, yeah ... I'm excited about the ballet. I just hope I'm not a big dork and I don't cry. :)

Also, I was never told this, but I am gathering that talking to males about hockey is a criminal error here in Massachusetts. I was talking to Leah's boyfriend Dave about hockey for all of five minutes, and from the looks on my roommates faces, you would have thought I had just stripped in front of him and proposed marraige. Dave is a nice enough kid, and I'm really glad there is someone here who can say quasi-intelligent things about hockey (but not so intelligent I feel like I can't talk to them about it) ... however, I do not consider talking about sports to be even the remotest form of flirting.

Let me think what else I can moan about ... I'm sure there is something else ... ah, yes. This section of my little entry will be called "Why Melissa Is Ridiculous and Way Way Way Too Busy for Her Own Good." So, this Slow Kids business is taking up a lot of my time this week. Which would be fine ... if sight singing juries were not in 2 weeks ... and keyboard juries were not next week ... and chamber juries were not in 2 weeks ... and my violin jury were not in 2.5 weeks ... and I didn't have two orchestra concerts and two major term papers due in the next 2 weeks. It is not cool. Especially not since I'm sick. I'm going to get a lecture tomorrow from Dana about how I should be taking zinc and vitamin c and any other number of sketchy herbal medicines. I just hope she doesn't tell me my soul sounds tired again. I hope I have a marvelous lesson and she says in her marvelous little (little as in really heavy) Russian accent, "O, my little girl, you play so nice. I know you working so hard, and it pays off. You play like your whole heart belongs to the whole world." That is my favorite thing she's ever told me. Unfortunately, since I am both slightly sick and crabby (hooray for hormones), she will probably say, "What you are doing? Did the whole world hurt you? Why will you not open up your heart and show us how you are feeling? Do you not trust us with it?" We'll see.

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